Perpetual Problems... and Anger

            This week I studied about the different kinds of problems in a marriage and came across a rather surprising statistic. According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual. Now at first this number shocked me but then I got to thinking about the couples that I have known long term. I would actually have to agree with his assessment. I think that some problems come and go but others are here to stay. There are some couples I know that have been “arguing” about chores or childcare for as long as I have known them. Then there are experiences from my own life, one example of this involves my ex-fiancé. I was engaged for almost 2 years to a man I thought I would marry. One consistent problem we had was I came from a very affectionate background and he did not. He felt that he was showing sufficient affection but I felt neglected because it was far below what I had come to expect and what I had seen in my parents early relationship (early in my life, not early in their actual relationship). We never did come to a satisfactory resolution of this issue and (due to other reasons) eventually dissolved the engagement and went our separate ways. In the book, it provides strategies for dealing with on-going issues that are designed to help both parties be heard while also moving towards a resolution (for resolvable problems).

            One thing that is crucial is learning to deal with anger in our relationships. This week I had the opportunity to read a talk by Elder Lynn G Robbins titled “Agency and Anger.” I was really struck by what he said about how Satan uses anger as a divisionary tool:

A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!

This really got me thinking and actually helped me with one particular friend that I had been quite angry at. I had recently shared something emotionally difficult for me and her response had been particularly mean-spirited.  I realized that by allowing her to “make me mad” that I was abdicating my agency to her. This helped me to choose to not be angry at her anymore but to accept that she had free speech and was free to use it, just as I am free to disagree with her point of view. I also liked the scripture that Elder Robbins pointed out that in the inspired Joseph Smith translation of Matthew the scripture Matthew 5:22 changes from “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” to “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of the judgment”. The Lord is saying that is not acceptable for us to be angry, so when we do become angry we need to repent and strive to do better. Heavenly Father has given us our moral agency and expects us to use it to follow Him or to be willing to face His judgment if we choose to go astray. I am grateful for the opportunity to be made more aware of the choices involved with anger and think that those same choices can be extended to other negative emotions to help me be more in line with who God wants me to be.