Covenants and Transitions

 When I was reading about the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage, I was struck by how much the world encourages us to view marriage (and other relationships) solely as contractual. To make sure that my marriage starts and continues as a covenant marriage rather than a contractual marriage, I plan to always give 100% to my husband’s needs. I have long had the attitude in my relationships: that if both halves of the couple are giving 100% to caring for the needs of the other, there will be no need for either member to behave selfishly because both of their needs will be being met. I also want to always make sure that my marriage is a trio consisting of my husband, myself and God.

I think that the wolf that is most detrimental to our society is the wolf of our own imperfections. I feel that for many people, being made aware of their own imperfections tends to put them on the defensive. We should not need to feel defensive against our spouses, we are supposed to work together to support and strengthen one another. Our culture encourages us to be constantly comparing ourselves to others, to take our value from where we stand in relation to others and to treat others based on where they are in relation to us. If we do not learn to help strengthen one another’s weaknesses, I fear for the future.

This week I had the opportunity to create a three generation genogram of my family. A genogram is a visual map of the relationships within a family. It shows marriages, divorces and parent/child relationships. You can further develop a genogram by also tracking information like what diseases run in the family as well as if there are any patterns of abuse. I learned a lot about my family as I created my genogram. I think the most important lesson that I learned from my genogram was that I need to be better connected to my extended family. It was actually quite difficult for me to get all of the necessary information to complete it. I moved away from my family years ago and have only really stayed in touch with my immediate family, my oldest paternal cousin and my maternal grandmother. This made it difficult to get all the names and relationships right in order to fully fill out the genogram. I’ve long thought of family (as it relates to blood) as just those I have a direct blood tie to but I have accepted that there are more in my family than just those. I want to make a more conscientious effort to connect more to my extended family, especially the cousins since they will be the only ones still alive when all our grandparents and parents have passed. I don’t want to get to old age and only have a single family member that I still communicate with.

            I also learned that my family is largely made up of transitional characters. Each of my parents changed their own family pattern with my sister and me. I am grateful that my father was able to stop the cycle of physical abuse that has long been in his family and that my mother was not verbally or emotionally abusive the way that her parents were. We had our struggles but those were not among them. I want to continue to carry forth the positive traditions that they have begun, so that hopefully my bloodline won't need more transitional characters like them.