A Tale of Two Books

This week I finally finished reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Dr. H. Wallace Goddad. I have learned a lot about what goes into a successful marriage but I have also seen how those same concepts can be used to strengthen a variety of non-romantic relationships in our lives. I’d be hard pressed to name a single specific thing as being “the” most important thing that I’ve learned from these books, but I would like to share my biggest takeaways with you.

From Dr. Gottman, I’ve learned that some problems in a relationship are going to be perpetual but that this doesn’t mean the relationship is automatically doomed. This means that I (and the other party) need to learn ways of allowing there to be some give and take with the perpetual problems and accepting that we may never get on the same page for that issue but it is important to at least be in the same book.

I also learned from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that arguing is okay. The key lies in how we argue and whether we are successfully making and accepting repair attempts. A repair attempt refers to “any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p 27). For some couples this could be something like one sticking out their tongue at the other or for another couple this could be a statement like “I’m starting to feel flooded”. Really a repair attempt can be anything that de-escalates the situation. This is not to say that daily heated arguments are recommended but rather that even the healthiest, strongest marriages still argue from time to time but they have learned how to stop things from going too far.

From Dr. Goddard, I learned that we can use our irritation with the little things that another does as an opportunity to invite the Lord to help us to be more charitable with that individual. Through His help we can learn to take those little irritating moments and grow through how we are choosing to react to them.

Another thing I learned from his book is that we need to accept our partners for who they are, flaws and all. More growth and positive change in a relationship can come from love than can ever come from discontented criticism.

My final takeaway from Drawing Heaven in Your Marriage is that marriage should be an ongoing sacrifice. Each party should be sacrificing something on a daily basis, be it not getting their preferred meal for dinner or doing an activity that their spouse enjoys but they do not, but neither party should consistently be the only one sacrificing. The relationship should be balanced and it may take time and effort to achieve that, but it is doable and that balance will bless the relationship. The Lord intended man and wife to be a partnership not a master-servant relationship.

I strongly recommend reading both these books, especially the Seven Principles.