My Conversion Story

Those I have shared my story with have told me that it has given them much hope for those in their own lives who may be struggling and we all need hope. I hope that maybe my story will help you or help you help someone in need.
 

                I began the repentance process years ago when I was only 18. I went before my Bishop and confessed my sins. A couple weeks into my repentance process, circumstances necessitated me moving. The move placed me in a new ward with a new Bishop, who happened to be my old Young Women's president’s husband. I was so ashamed of everything I had done and could not bear to face him (and start the repentance process over). I now know I could have asked my original Bishop to speak to him, but meeting with my first bishop was heart-wrenching and I couldn't bear the thought of going thru that again. So shortly after I moved, I stopped going to Church. With all spiritual influences out of my life, it was easy for me to ignore the promptings of the Holy Ghost. I stopped reading my scriptures and soon the Holy Ghost stopped abiding with me at all. I made friends of a less than savory sort and quickly descended to their level and stayed there for years.

                To this day I don't know what exactly prompted me to begin crawling out of that pit I was in. I broke up with my then fiancée and moved across town closer to my job. This time living alone was different. Away from the influence of my former friends and ex-fiancée I stopped a lot of the bad behaviors. Then over time I stopped all of them. This whole time my Mom kept trying to reach out to me and bring me back. I am so grateful that she never gave up on me. She'd share visiting teaching messages with me and send me the New Era. She stopped trying to force me to go to church and just accepted what progress I was making, and supported me in the positive changes I made.

                During that time I did many things not worthy of a Latter-Day Saint or a daughter of Heavenly Father. When I look back on that time in my life, my stomach roils. I am disgusted by what I let myself do. That is not who I wanted to be when I was a bright young Beehive (before the sexual abuse at the hands of a relative began). It sickens me that I allowed myself to be so thoroughly corrupted and I am so intensely grateful for the Atonement because if it was not for that, I would have been a lost cause. 

                 I was inactive for almost 10 years when I moved to Alabama in July of 2011 and self-reactivated. I had been wanting to come back for a while but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t feel worthy to go to church or even to pray. I was fully aware of how far I’d let myself fall from what I knew to be the right path and part of me felt that I was beyond redemption. I had stopped my sinful behavior years before I moved to Alabama but was having a very hard time getting myself to go back to church. I didn't even feel like I had the right to be in a church. Then a series of events played out that led to me being blessed with a good job and place to live in Alabama and so I moved and am eternally grateful that I did.

                The night before I returned to church (1 week after I moved to Alabama) was difficult. I was nauseous, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even focus enough to pray and consoled myself by singing hymns. I understood much better what Joseph Smith went thru in the Sacred Grove. I knew that the adversary did not want me to go back to church. I had been in his grip for so long and he wasn’t giving me up without a fight. So many times that night I was tempted to just declare defeat and skip church the next day; I knew that if I decided not to go to church, I would be okay (in the short term). But I stuck to my commitment to myself and I went and saw my new Bishop next day and immediately began my long delayed repentance process. Before I saw him, I had already turned my back on the things I had done and promised not to do them again.  Meeting with him was an agonizing experience. I sympathized with how Alma the Younger must have felt when he was racked by the memory of his sins in the angels presence. In the days that followed I felt some relief but still like something was missing. About two weeks after I first saw the Bishop he notified me that we would need to hold a disciplinary council. I understood the need for it and somewhat understood what would happen from reading The Miracle of Forgiveness. We held the council the evening of August 28th 2011,  and then I stepped out into the hall to wait as the brethren conferred and prayed about what to do. I said a silent prayer of my own (I was too choked up to speak) while I was out there. I expressed how I knew how far I had fallen and that there was a price to pay. I had tears in my eyes as I told Him that if excommunication was part of the price I must pay for what I had done, that I accepted that and would willingly pay that price. A minute, maybe two, after I closed my prayer the brethren invited me back into the Bishop’s office and informed me that excommunication was the decision. I told them that I was okay with that and would do whatever I needed to to eventually be worthy to join the church again. I felt I had fallen so far, that I don’t think I would have felt forgiven short of a new baptism.

                In the months and weeks that passed after the council, I attended church but I wasn’t entirely there (both attendance-wise and mentally). I struggled a lot some nights. I knew that I had lost the gift of the Holy Ghost when I was excommunicated, but didn’t realize just how lonely that was going to feel. On the nights I felt the most alone it was so hard to keep trying and going to church, part of me just wanted to quit and say oh well, I’m not LDS anymore so their rules don’t apply to me. But I knew that wasn’t true.

                Weeks turned into months and then the 1 year anniversary of my council happened. I knew I wasn’t ready for re-baptism but wanted to be. Both of my parents were converts and I was thinking about this one day, how two such different people both came to the same conclusion, that this is His church. I told the Bishop that I would like to take the discussions and learn about the Gospel the same way my parents did. I just knew that this would help me get on the right path. For almost 2 months I tried to meet with the Elders, but with me being a single woman who lives alone, that was difficult to coordinate. Then the Bishop was inspired to have the Elders contact the Hermanas who were assigned to our area (we had no English Sisters locally at the time) and ask them to begin teaching me. Little did I know how much was going to change because of that.

                We met the first time in December 2012, and immediately began weekly appointments. They taught me a couple lessons and I learned a lot. Then on January 13th 2013 spiritual lightning struck and I will never be the same. That morning I attended the Bessemer Stake conference and so many of the talks resonated with me. That evening, Hermana Schroeppel and Hermana Coleman (the missionaries who were teaching me the discussions) invited me to attend a CES Broadcast with them. Below is an excerpt from an email I sent to a missionary friend about two weeks after this happened.
               
            "They invited me to the CES Fireside the night of the regional stake conference 1/13/2013. We went to the Inverness chapel and due to some technical difficulties, we only caught the 2^nd half of President Uchtdorf’s talk. But what I heard intrigued me and when I went home, I watched the rest of his talk on the Mormon Channel. Earlier that day at Stake Conference it had felt like the speakers were talking specifically to me. Well after I watched President Uchtdorf’s talk, I felt impressed to watch a few others and it felt like they were all meant for me. The thing that really struck me was when one of the speakers said diversions should be diverting, not consuming and another mentioned that our homes should be a sanctuary from the world. This made me realize that I needed to make some changes in my life. I’ve been a very big gamer for several years and I realized how much time I had wasted on that.  

That night I made two decisions that have literally changed my life! I sold or gave away all of the violent games that I had spent so many wasted hours on, and gave the more family friendly ones to a family in my ward. It felt so freeing to be rid of that stuff, but difficult at the same time.Getting rid of the games was hard, I had been so addicted to them for so long (spending on average 3-4 hours a day playing) but it felt so good. I think I may have freaked out a friend of mine when I did that. I decided to give away all my family friendly gaming stuff and was literally in tears when I called a close friend (who has 6 kids!) to ask if she would like the games and equipment. She sounded so concerned, she's was like "are you sure?" I had never been more sure of anything than that cleaning house was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. 

The second decision has made an even bigger change. The very next morning I began to read my Book of Mormon in the morning before work and at night before bed. So far I have read twice a day, even if only a few minutes, for 15 straight days. I’m working on getting into the habit of 30 minutes of scripture study in the morning and the same at night, but for now I am just laying the foundation of doing it daily no matter how much. I have felt such a difference in my life, my desire for the games and diversions I found so enthralling is gone. I’ve started watching more of the CES firesides and listening to music from the Mormon Channel.

But the night I made those decisions. Oh such peace and joy I felt. It felt like Heavenly Father was wrapping his arms around me and saying “Now you understand my daughter.” I finally felt that forgiveness I had sought for so long. Heavenly Father had just been patiently waiting for me to let go of my last worldly distractions.

That Thursday 1/17/13 at our weekly appointment, I told the Sisters about the amazing changes I had made with the Lord’s help. They were so happy for me. I told them how I was understanding the scriptures in a way I never had before and they recommended that before I read my scriptures that I pray and have a question in mind as I study. I took their recommendation to heart and began praying for guidance when reading the scriptures. For so long I had lived my life according to my own will and schedule. I never received my Patriarchal blessing because I fell away in my youth, so I did not know any of what the Lord had planned for me. I began to pray for guidance on what I am to do next in my life, and I received two very distinct impressions. One was consistent with thoughts I have had in recent months, which is that I need to return to school and continue my education. The second impression completely surprised me and somewhat scared me, and that is that He wants me to serve a mission.

My very first thought was that I am too old, but then I remembered that the rules for Sisters are different than for Elders. I began researching LDS Missionary work on the internet and I was very happy to discover that there is no upper age limit for sisters to serve. It feels like my life is finally starting. When I was in Young Women’s, before I fell away, I had wanted to attend BYU and serve a mission. But as I allowed myself to be led away from the iron rod into the mists of darkness, those desires faded. But with my recent experiences they have come back in full force.

I contacted my Bishop recently to ask if such as I are allowed to serve missions, and I was very happy to hear that there is nothing in the Handbook that specifically prevents those who have completed church discipline from serving a mission. I saw him just yesterday and was talking to him about all of the recent changes and how I don’t even feel like I am the same person I was 3 weeks ago. My heart soared when he indicated that in the next few weeks he will reach out to the Stake Presidency to begin contacting Salt Lake regarding reconvening my disciplinary council with a hope towards me being re-baptized.

In the hopes that I will be able to serve once it has been a year since my re-baptism, I have ordered the missionary books and eagerly await their arrival. Such peace and joy as I have felt recently makes me understand now why converts and missionaries get so excited about the Gospel. It truly is amazing and I want the whole world to be able to have this knowledge. I may have been born in the Covenant and baptized at 8, but I was not truly converted until very recently. I feel my testimony growing by leaps and bounds and look forward to learning more about the Gospel as I take the discussions from the Sisters, and prayerfully study my scriptures.

M******, the last couple weeks have been amazing. I feel like I’m finally becoming who I was meant to be (before my life fell apart in early high school)."

           When I was reading the Miracle of Forgiveness it talked about the moment when you know that you are forgiven. I got that that night and it was truly amazing. I finally felt the peace and joy that I had been seeking for so long. When I made the commitment to clean house (so-to-speak) and then kept that commitment, I felt such a sense of peace and light. It was like my Heavenly Father was hugging me and saying “Now my daughter you understand.” I have never before felt such indescribable joy as I did that night. I finally truly understood the phrase “in the arms of His love.”  

         I began my scripture study the very next morning. I started reading the Book of Mormon and finished it on February 15th then immediately began reading it again. It was during this first reading that I came across what is currently my most favorite scripture Alma 36:20-21 

 20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

 21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

I know that the exquisite joy I felt would not have been as sweet had I not gone thru the heart-breaking dark days and nights of my repentance process (especially the night of my excommunication). I know the Spirit was and is blessing me to understand what I was and am reading. It was so inspiring and what a difference in my days! Starting and ending my days with scripture has made such a difference in my life. My days are more peaceful and I just feel better. I missed reading one morning, about a month after I started my twice daily study. that whole morning at work I felt so off it was awful! I promised myself then, that I would not miss another morning even if I was only able to read a single page. I had become accustomed to my spiritual breakfast and skipping it was not something I was the least bit interested in developing a tolerance for. I also started listening to the hymn book as background music at work. I feel such a difference in the atmosphere at work with that spiritual background. I love it!

                The Hermanas were so surprised when they visited me that Thursday. My whole apartment had been changed; they even said they could see a physical difference in ME! I had never before been so excited about the Gospel. They didn't really get to teach me that day. I spent almost the whole visit talking about everything I had learned and experienced in those few days.

         The following week, the Hermanas taught about the importance of praying with intent, to have a question in mind as I study the scriptures. When we want to talk to Heavenly Father we pray, but when He talks to us He does it thru the scriptures.

         Again I acted on what I had heard and began to pray for guidance on what direction I needed to be moving my life in. I just prayed and said I had been doing things my way for too long, what did He want me to do? Whatever it was I would do it. That weekend I received two very distinct impressions. One is that I need to finish my education and the second; the second one scared me a little. The second was that I should serve a mission.

         I immediately began to see about what needed to be done for me to return to school, but was hesitant about the mission. My very first reaction was that I was too old, but my research revealed there is no upper age limit for single, childless sisters. Then as I continued my scripture study, I kept getting that feeling that I was meant to serve and slowly a desire to serve grew within me. Once I accepted and began to act upon this prompting, I felt at peace again. I purchased the Missionary Handbook, Preach My Gospel, and the Missionary Reference Library. Once my books came in, I made a few alterations to my schedule. I still studied the scriptures in the morning, but evenings were often spent studying Preach My Gospel.  I was learning so much.  When you truly accept and embrace the Gospel, the Holy Ghost really does change your heart and the desires for worldly things fall away. I no longer feel the pull of my old addiction to gaming. The appeal is just gone and I am so grateful for His help in breaking away from that.

      

     

       It’s been months since this happened, and sometimes it feels like mere days and other times like it was literally another lifetime. I don’t even feel like I am the same person I was before that amazing night. All the things I used to waste time on and the bad things in my past, I can’t even imagine going back to that life. The very idea repels me. I only wish that I had had this experience years ago. I know I never would have fallen away if I had understood the Gospel the way I do now (and I know I still have so much to learn!). I can’t imagine voluntarily turning my back on the peace and joy that has frequently been mine since I started fully living the Gospel.

                One thing that has brought me a lot of joy in this process is the new knowledge I have gained from prayerfully studying the scriptures. So many things I took for granted as being true, as a child raised in the church, I have come to a sure knowledge of! I KNOW that this is His true church and that He loves me and wants me to be happy. I KNOW that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and it makes me so happy to KNOW these things for myself. I KNOW that Joseph Smith was the first modern day prophet and that he restored the Church under the Lord's direction. I KNOW that Thomas S Monson is the Lord's prophet n the earth today.

                I am so grateful for this new knowledge. I finally have hope for the future again. I did many things in my past that appall me now and I wish I could forget them. I know that thru the Atonement I can be made clean again and I am so grateful for this. My new knowledge excites me so much. I truly enjoy sharing the Gospel with others. I want everyone to know the peace and joy that comes from living the Gospel.

                I've felt such a strong desire to share the Gospel that I have begun working with Sister missionaries in my area. To date, I've teamed up with them over two dozen times. It has been such an amazing experience. When I participate in their lessons, I can feel the Spirit so strongly. I've had such interesting experiences. As I study Preach My Gospel it talks about the importance of studying and paying attention to your companion(s) as they teach and not thinking too much about what you are going to say. Each time I've been called upon to teach or testify, the words have just flowed. Truly you will be given what to say at the very hour of your need. The experiences of the last few months, and especially participating in missionary work, have grown my testimony so much. We often hear analogies likening our testimonies to a seed; well my seed feels like it has had Miracle-Gro poured on it.

                I've had experiences in studying the scriptures in preparation for team-ups that have shown me even more how the Spirit will guide us when we are open and receptive. More than once when I have been doing my morning scripture study, or studying Preach My Gospel  prior to going out teaching, I've found myself studying something other than what I had originally planned only to discover later in the day that it was the Spirit leading my studies as it turned out I'd studied just what was really needed.

                I understand, far better now than as a child of 8, just what the baptismal covenant represents and I look forward to making and keep those covenants as I enter the waters of baptism and emerge a Latter-Day Saint again. There is freedom and protection in following His ways. Too long did I wander in the mists of darkness after escaping the spacious building, but I've finally got my hands on the iron rod and I'm not letting go again.

                I am thankful for the path that is laid out in the Gospel for me to be able to eventually be worthy to be baptized again and I hope and pray that it is the Lord's will that I be able to join His church once more. I look forward joyfully to the day when I will once again enter the waters of baptism and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost with an open heart. I did not know just how precious that gift was until I lost it and I strive to live each day to keep myself worthy of His constant companionship.

                My new disciplinary council was convened on June 26th 2013 and the recommendation was re-baptism. I am ecstatic as I look forward to that happy date. The last step of the process prior to baptism is for the First Presidency to approve it. I was told to write a letter to the First Presidency and I am so glad I did. It was such a powerful experience for me and I would like to share it with you

Dear President Monson and Counselors,

     I write you today with joy in my heart. I KNOW that my Savior lives and that He sacrificed Himself for me that I may be able to return to my Heavenly Father once more. I used to think, oh that's nice but I didn't really understand what that meant. When He made the Atonement, He not only took on my sins but all the pains and sorrows I may ever suffer. Not long after my original council, I was in Sacrament singing "I Stand All Amazed" when it hit me. I stopped to think about the lyrics and was floored. He truly did everything to save me, a rebellious proud sinning soul. I can never thank Him enough for His open arms and giving me the chance to come home.

    Being excommunicated has been a hard and often very lonely road but I am thankful for the opportunity to travel it as I work towards rejoining His church. I have grown so much as a result of things I have learned. I have learned that I am never truly alone. After I lost the gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt more alone than at any other time in my life, but as time passed and thru my spiritual studies, I came to a deeper understanding of the Atonement, and I realized I had never been alone. The entire time I was sorrowing, my Savior was there just waiting for me to turn to Him. I have been thru painful trials but have grown so much. I read Alma 36:21 and understood it for the first time in my life! Sweet is my joy, and the more so for having experienced such bitterness.

    Thanks to an inspired pair of Sister Missionaries, I was where I needed to be to hear what I needed to hear. I recognized the hand of the Lord in my life and chose to follow the path He laid out before me. Now I study my scriptures twice daily, pray often, share my testimony whenever I feel prompted to, and just try to do whatever I can to have His Spirit to be with me. As I draw closer to Him, my heart has changed and the things I used to waste time on and old bad habits no longer have any interest to me. Part of me can’t understand why those things ever drew me in the way they did. But I know now that I did not understand the Gospel or the Atonement when I was younger, for if I had the spiritual knowledge then that I have now I know I would never have gone inactive. Having experienced the joy the Gospel brings, I cannot imagine ever voluntarily turning my back on this and walking away.

     My testimony of the Atonement and the Restoration has grown so much as a result of my prayerful studies and the experiences I have had. My biggest regret is that I lost so many years in the spacious building and then wandering in the mists of darkness after I left the building, before I finally got my fingers back on the iron rod. I have worked so hard to get back and I am never letting go again. Truly, sweet has been my joy in the Gospel. I look forward to covenanting with my Father and honoring those covenants as I work continually to endure to the end. I no longer rely on the testimony of my parents, I know that the Atonement is real and has enabled me to experience this mighty change of heart and become who I was meant to be, a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me. I KNOW that you are called of God and that His will is expressed through you. I await your response with hope and patience and will accept whatever His will may be for me.

Thank you,
A Spiritual Redhead
           


     My letter was sent to my Bishop on 6/24/13. But some additional roadblocks popped up after submission and things were delayed again. My Heavenly Father was trying to teach me patience but I hadn't yet learned that lesson. But I have now (lesson post) and things are moving smoothly.




      I spoke to Stake President today (7/28/13), he advised me that he is going to be mailing my papers to Salt Lake tomorrow or Tuesday!! Then he will followup next Monday with the Office of the First Presidency to confirmed they have received my papers. Then it is just 6-8 weeks to wait for their answer.
       I am hoping and praying both for the time to pass swiftly and for a positive answer. 6-8 weeks means I will know about my baptism by the end of September at the latest!! And 12 months after my baptism, I am going on a mission! The adversary thought he had me, but I escaped his grasp with my Father’s help and am actively opposing him now!




      I received a text from my Bishop this morning (8/7/13) indicating that Stake President has confirmed that the Office of the First Presidency has my papers. He indicated that it will most likely take 8 weeks for answer. I think 8 weeks is a short time to wait compared to the almost 2 years I have already been working towards this. As much as I feel that they will grant permission, it is not guaranteed. But I know that Thomas S Monson is the Lord's prophet and whatever the First Presidency decides, I know it is not their decision but His (as communicated to them) and I support the decision completely (regardless of what it may be.)


       Tonight I went to see my Bishop (8/23/13) about some of the struggles I have been having lately. At the end of our appointment, he ever so nonchalantly says, "Oh by the way, Stake President got your response." I'm looking at him, totally confused, when he says "You have received permission to be baptized!"
       I was like, "Really? Really? Really?" Like it just wasn't registering, and then it did and I started to cry such happy tears! I am just so freaking out, in a good way, right now. In just a few days I will be getting baptized and be taking the Sacrament for the first time in over 12 years. Words really cannot describe how I feel right now. It has been a long and often hard, rocky road but so worth it. The joy I feel just thinking of my baptism, won't even begin to compare with the reality of that special sacred day.





I am so excited! I just had my baptismal interview with Stake President. I am getting baptized on 9/3/2013!

As I sat outside the office waiting for my turn to be interviewed my thoughts went back to 2 years ago. Two years ago today, I sat outside that same office waiting for a different kind of interview. I sat outside waiting for my disciplinary council to begin. I was so sad and yet understood that what was about to happen was very necessary. When I left the office after that council, I was no longer officially a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints but I was still LDS at heart.

Today was a very different experience. I was practically vibrating with suppressed excitement over my upcoming interview. I was ecstatic to meet with Stake President and happily answer the baptismal interview questions with resounding affirmatives. I think he is almost as excited as I am about my upcoming baptism!

6 more days and I will be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints again. This upcoming Sunday is the last Sunday I will have to skip taking the Sacrament.  And in a few short weeks I will be able to return to the temple to do baptisms for the dead for the first time since I was 15. And probably even sooner than that I will be able to get my long-awaited patriarchal blessing!!

I was baptized on September 3rd 2013, click here to read about it.

I received my endowment on September 3rd 2014, click here to read about it.


If you are lost and wandering in the darkness, do not give up hope. You are His child and you are never beyond redemption! Just reach out, He is waiting to take your hand and help guide you home. He often works thru others and may use their hands to rescue you, if you will let Him. It is a long (and often difficult road) but infinitely and eternally worth it!. I share these things in the name of my beloved Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, Amen.