Interesting Thoughts on Intimacy

This week’s studies were on intimacy (emotional, spiritual and physical) within the marital relationship. There were a lot of things that really opened my eyes but I think the things that meant the most to me was learning what the prophets have said in the past about physical intimacy. Just to give you a little background, I’ve always had a somewhat skewed view of physical intimacy because I was molested by a friend when I was five and then by a relative from twelve to fourteen so all of my experience with sex taught me that it was uncomfortable, shame-inducing and something to be avoided. I’ve long viewed sex as something unclean but that is considered acceptable within the bonds of marriage.

In the readings I learned that this is precisely the attitude that we should NOT have towards marital intimacy. There was a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball that really touched a nerve for me:

Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.

I know that I am not going to be able to change such a long-held view overnight but this has helped me to begin to see marital intimacy not as a necessary evil but rather as something that the Lord has given to mortals to express their love for their spouse and to allow them to be co-creators with Him in bringing new spirits into mortality. I want to work on these beliefs before I get married so that I go into that relationship with a healthier understanding. Elder Hugh B Brown taught that:

“Many marriages have been wrecked on the dangerous rocks of ignorant and debased sex behavior, both before and after marriage. Gross ignorance on the part of newlyweds on the subject of the proper place and functioning of sex results in much unhappiness and many broken homes.”

So ignorance cannot be permitted. My goal is to gain a better understanding of the Lord’s design and purpose for marital intimacy so that I can develop a healthier attitude towards the intimacy that should be part of my future marriage.

A Tale of Two Books

This week I finally finished reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Dr. H. Wallace Goddad. I have learned a lot about what goes into a successful marriage but I have also seen how those same concepts can be used to strengthen a variety of non-romantic relationships in our lives. I’d be hard pressed to name a single specific thing as being “the” most important thing that I’ve learned from these books, but I would like to share my biggest takeaways with you.

From Dr. Gottman, I’ve learned that some problems in a relationship are going to be perpetual but that this doesn’t mean the relationship is automatically doomed. This means that I (and the other party) need to learn ways of allowing there to be some give and take with the perpetual problems and accepting that we may never get on the same page for that issue but it is important to at least be in the same book.

I also learned from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that arguing is okay. The key lies in how we argue and whether we are successfully making and accepting repair attempts. A repair attempt refers to “any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p 27). For some couples this could be something like one sticking out their tongue at the other or for another couple this could be a statement like “I’m starting to feel flooded”. Really a repair attempt can be anything that de-escalates the situation. This is not to say that daily heated arguments are recommended but rather that even the healthiest, strongest marriages still argue from time to time but they have learned how to stop things from going too far.

From Dr. Goddard, I learned that we can use our irritation with the little things that another does as an opportunity to invite the Lord to help us to be more charitable with that individual. Through His help we can learn to take those little irritating moments and grow through how we are choosing to react to them.

Another thing I learned from his book is that we need to accept our partners for who they are, flaws and all. More growth and positive change in a relationship can come from love than can ever come from discontented criticism.

My final takeaway from Drawing Heaven in Your Marriage is that marriage should be an ongoing sacrifice. Each party should be sacrificing something on a daily basis, be it not getting their preferred meal for dinner or doing an activity that their spouse enjoys but they do not, but neither party should consistently be the only one sacrificing. The relationship should be balanced and it may take time and effort to achieve that, but it is doable and that balance will bless the relationship. The Lord intended man and wife to be a partnership not a master-servant relationship.

I strongly recommend reading both these books, especially the Seven Principles.

Perpetual Problems... and Anger

            This week I studied about the different kinds of problems in a marriage and came across a rather surprising statistic. According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual. Now at first this number shocked me but then I got to thinking about the couples that I have known long term. I would actually have to agree with his assessment. I think that some problems come and go but others are here to stay. There are some couples I know that have been “arguing” about chores or childcare for as long as I have known them. Then there are experiences from my own life, one example of this involves my ex-fiancé. I was engaged for almost 2 years to a man I thought I would marry. One consistent problem we had was I came from a very affectionate background and he did not. He felt that he was showing sufficient affection but I felt neglected because it was far below what I had come to expect and what I had seen in my parents early relationship (early in my life, not early in their actual relationship). We never did come to a satisfactory resolution of this issue and (due to other reasons) eventually dissolved the engagement and went our separate ways. In the book, it provides strategies for dealing with on-going issues that are designed to help both parties be heard while also moving towards a resolution (for resolvable problems).

            One thing that is crucial is learning to deal with anger in our relationships. This week I had the opportunity to read a talk by Elder Lynn G Robbins titled “Agency and Anger.” I was really struck by what he said about how Satan uses anger as a divisionary tool:

A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, “I lost my temper.” Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To “lose something” implies “not meaning to,” “accidental,” “involuntary,” “not responsible”—careless perhaps but “not responsible.” “He made me mad.” This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!

This really got me thinking and actually helped me with one particular friend that I had been quite angry at. I had recently shared something emotionally difficult for me and her response had been particularly mean-spirited.  I realized that by allowing her to “make me mad” that I was abdicating my agency to her. This helped me to choose to not be angry at her anymore but to accept that she had free speech and was free to use it, just as I am free to disagree with her point of view. I also liked the scripture that Elder Robbins pointed out that in the inspired Joseph Smith translation of Matthew the scripture Matthew 5:22 changes from “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” to “But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of the judgment”. The Lord is saying that is not acceptable for us to be angry, so when we do become angry we need to repent and strive to do better. Heavenly Father has given us our moral agency and expects us to use it to follow Him or to be willing to face His judgment if we choose to go astray. I am grateful for the opportunity to be made more aware of the choices involved with anger and think that those same choices can be extended to other negative emotions to help me be more in line with who God wants me to be.

Pride and Practice

My recent readings have involved studying pride as it relates to marriage. I came across a quote in one of our textbooks (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard) that I think can be applied to any relationship.

“To bury our old weapons of war yet continue to rebroadcast a ‘widescreen’ version of old battles and old wounds, complete with ‘instant replay,’ ‘slow motion,’ and our own exaggerated form of ‘special effects,’ undermines the process of healing and the prospects for growth – for both spouses [parties].” (p. 80)

We may claim that we have grown or matured by burying our “weapons of war” (these may include contempt, criticism, or other behaviors aimed at hurting or denigrating another) but when we refuse to genuinely repent of our bad behavior and forgive others, we refuse to allow the wounds to heal. During the process of preparing for baptism, my bishop once told me that forgiving others their trespasses is a crucial piece of being forgiven for our own. He remarked that it was incredible to him that I had been able to forgive a family member who had seriously wrong me but that that forgiveness would bless my life. I told him that I had chosen to forgive them because I realized that not forgiving another is only corrosive to oneself not to the unforgiven person. I may not ever forget what was done to me but I have chosen to forgive the guilty party and attempt to heal the relationship. The Lord is our perfect example in all relationships. When we have genuinely repented of a misdeed and are making a conscientious effort to do better, He doesn’t hold those things against us anymore. We need to strive to do the same in our relationships, especially in our marriages. And sometimes we have to learn to forgive the other before they even seek forgiveness. This can be extremely hard to do, but I know (from personal experience) that as we gain more practice in forgiving others we help to strengthen our relationship with the Lord because we begin to better understand how He relates to us.

        Another note about pride is that sometimes pride can help us to only see others flaws and ignore our own. What are some ways we can overcome that blind spot? I know that I actually like to hear feedback from others on how I can improve. I will readily admit that I do not automatically accept all feedback because some change is suggested simply because I do not share the other person’s viewpoint and they do not like that. But when I recognize that I need to change (such as when I was working on being more organized so as to not make my very organized roommate crazy), I am willing to take that feedback and strive to implement it to improve myself. I think when we are willing to put our words into practice by taking the feedback from others and then implementing it, we lay a relationship foundation which can help others to be more receptive to any feedback we may give. After all no one likes someone who preaches “do as I say, not as I do" and no one wants to be that person themselves. To close I'd like to share another quote from that same book, "A happy marriage is a union of two forgivers" and encourage you to ask yourself, "What can I do to be one of those two forgivers?"

Abel and Eve

During this week’s studies I was introduced to a poem that I had never read before, Lamentation by Arta Romney Ballif. The poem is written from the viewpoint of Eve as it relates to Cain and Abel. It made my heart ache to realize that women have had wayward children from the very beginning. I also realized that a mother's love is enduring and powerful because from the beginning, they have still loved and cared for those children while also saddened by the damage they have done. I cannot begin to imagine how Eve must have felt upon learning that one of her beloved sons had struck down the other. And her reaction in the poem, “Dead? What is dead?”, beautifully captures how we may feel when an unexpected tragedy befalls our family. We can feel lost as we try to comprehend the events that have drastically altered our lives.

While we may not (most of us) have to deal with fratricide in our families, some of us may have to deal with tempestuous relationships between some family members. As Eve felt, we may find ourselves asking God why, why did this have to happen? In my favorite talk, Trust in the Lord by Elder Richard G. Scott, we are taught the importance of asking the right questions when adversity strikes:

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This taught me that when I am struggling, especially when there seems to be no forthcoming relief, that I am often missing the lesson that the Lord is striving to teach me. In those times we should turn to the Lord, like Eve does at the close of the poem, and ask Him to help us remember the importance of our struggles. Why were the fruit and the Fall necessary…? Why must we have difficulties in this life…? What should I be learning from my struggles…? And He will help us to remember our divine purpose for being in mortality.

Love and... Fondness?

As I was reading about the concept of “love maps” (according to Gottman in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, this is the part of your brain where you store the relevant information about your partner’s life) I was struck by how we don’t only have love maps for our significant other but for those who are significant in our lives. As I was reading through a series of questions in the book designed to help the reader have a better idea of how detailed their love map of their partner is, I realized that we can have similar maps for all the significant people in our lives. I am completely single and I know that I have love maps of the important things for the people who I am the closest to.

As part of my studies, I followed the book’s advice for nurturing my fondness and admiration for another individual in my life. This past week I traveled to another part of the country to spend a week with my mother. We have had a long and complicated relationship over the years. I wanted to begin to soften my heart towards her and so I chose make her the focus of this exercise. I realized that as I made a very conscious and conscientious effort, I did handle our interactions a bit better. When she wasn’t listening to me or ignored my repeated requests for personal space, I was able to stop and recall times when it wasn’t that way and it helped the trip to be a more positive experience than I think it otherwise would have been. It also helped me to see her in a more positive light overall. I have something of a weakness or blind spot when it comes to my parents: I have a hard time seeing their positive traits. I had a difficult childhood and adolescence and both my parents had big roles in that. My school and social life was fairly good, but home life was difficult. When I look back, it is far easier to see the negative. I live over a thousand miles away from each of my parents, but I want to continue practicing that nurturing behavior and expand it to my father. To strengthen my parental relationships, I want to make a point of trying to speak to them at least once every other week. I want them to know that I care about them and love them. I want to re-train my thoughts to not assume the worst when one of them says or does something that is unintentionally hurtful. I think that, over time, this will help to strengthen and enrich the relationships that I have with each of my parents.

Marriage Goals and the Natural Man

Anytime someone speaks of marriage goals, I immediately think of President and Sister Hanks (who were the leaders of the Alabama Birmingham Mission at the time of my baptism and my endowment). Their marriage is filled with positive sentiment override for one another. Just by observing their behavior, it is readily apparent how much they care for one another. The little things they both do for each other, make it clear to one another and anyone around them that they both highly value the other. Both of them are also always building each other up. Even when they have differences of opinion on a given topic, they are both respectful of the other and seek to find an equitable compromise. I strive to be like them in my interpersonal relationships as I work to continually overcome the natural man.

In my life I have learned that working to overcome the natural man is a lifelong pursuit and often requires us to go against our baser instincts. I’ve realized that even when I had good strong spiritual habits in my life, I still need to be on guard against “natural man” tendencies to avoid wandering off of the straight and narrow and getting lost in the mists. I’ve also learned that doing the right thing is never going to be as effortless as it was when I was younger, before I made big mistakes. I think often about what Elder Oaks said in a talk on pornography in 2004, “The brain won't vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall…” He was speaking specifically about pornography, but as I have gotten older I have realized that this also applies to bad choices that we have made. I was baptized a few years ago but sometimes images from my life before the Gospel was a major part of it still flash across my mind. I’ve learned to think of this as the natural man fighting against the spiritual part of me. I think it is the adversary’s way of trying to keep his claws on us. When those images flash across my mind, I have to remember that yes I have made mistakes but I am no longer the same person who features in those memories. I have experienced “a mighty change of heart” and am as much a new person with new behaviors and goals as was Alma the Younger after he saw the angel.

Covenants and Transitions

 When I was reading about the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage, I was struck by how much the world encourages us to view marriage (and other relationships) solely as contractual. To make sure that my marriage starts and continues as a covenant marriage rather than a contractual marriage, I plan to always give 100% to my husband’s needs. I have long had the attitude in my relationships: that if both halves of the couple are giving 100% to caring for the needs of the other, there will be no need for either member to behave selfishly because both of their needs will be being met. I also want to always make sure that my marriage is a trio consisting of my husband, myself and God.

I think that the wolf that is most detrimental to our society is the wolf of our own imperfections. I feel that for many people, being made aware of their own imperfections tends to put them on the defensive. We should not need to feel defensive against our spouses, we are supposed to work together to support and strengthen one another. Our culture encourages us to be constantly comparing ourselves to others, to take our value from where we stand in relation to others and to treat others based on where they are in relation to us. If we do not learn to help strengthen one another’s weaknesses, I fear for the future.

This week I had the opportunity to create a three generation genogram of my family. A genogram is a visual map of the relationships within a family. It shows marriages, divorces and parent/child relationships. You can further develop a genogram by also tracking information like what diseases run in the family as well as if there are any patterns of abuse. I learned a lot about my family as I created my genogram. I think the most important lesson that I learned from my genogram was that I need to be better connected to my extended family. It was actually quite difficult for me to get all of the necessary information to complete it. I moved away from my family years ago and have only really stayed in touch with my immediate family, my oldest paternal cousin and my maternal grandmother. This made it difficult to get all the names and relationships right in order to fully fill out the genogram. I’ve long thought of family (as it relates to blood) as just those I have a direct blood tie to but I have accepted that there are more in my family than just those. I want to make a more conscientious effort to connect more to my extended family, especially the cousins since they will be the only ones still alive when all our grandparents and parents have passed. I don’t want to get to old age and only have a single family member that I still communicate with.

            I also learned that my family is largely made up of transitional characters. Each of my parents changed their own family pattern with my sister and me. I am grateful that my father was able to stop the cycle of physical abuse that has long been in his family and that my mother was not verbally or emotionally abusive the way that her parents were. We had our struggles but those were not among them. I want to continue to carry forth the positive traditions that they have begun, so that hopefully my bloodline won't need more transitional characters like them.

Redefined... again?

I think the article regarding Obergefell v. Hodges (go here) was included in this lesson to help us to better understand the Court’s thought process in coming to the decision that it did. It was helpful to get an idea of how the Court was able to decide that legalizing same-sex marriage was the right thing to do.

To me, the reason that legalizing same-sex marriage is a big deal is because it redefines an institution that predates the founding of our country (that predates pretty much all modern cultures). Marriage was originally created by God and as such, He is the sole authority on the definition of what marriage truly is. I think that the Church’s response to the redefinition was justified. We have seen, historically speaking, how much damage has been done to the institution of marriage by other legal changes regarding it (such as the creation of the no-fault divorce). We need to move back in the direction that marriage is for raising and protecting children. I, personally, feel that no changes should be made to the definition of marriage to accommodate those who seek to enter into a union for purposes other procreating and raising a family. Prior to the legalization of same-sex marriage, I was a proponent of the creation of civil unions that would allow homosexuals to resolve the legal issues that they were facing from not being married but not redefining marriage to include what is a sin in the eyes of God (homosexual sexual relations). It is interesting to see that now that same-sex marriage has been legalized, other groups are using the same tactics of the homosexual marriage movement in an effort to further alter the definition (such as allowing an individual [male or female] to be married to more than one person at a time). Once the definition was changed, who is to say where that definition will stop being altered? If it is not moral to exclude same-sex couples who love each other, how is it moral to exclude a woman who loves two men? I believe that, societally speaking, marriage is on a slippery path now and it will eventually cease to be recognizable as the institution it was when the Family Proclamation was issued.

I can defend marriage in my social circle by doing what I can to encourage and support the traditional marriages around me. I am not married, but would like to be should the opportunity present itself. I can also avoid doing anything that might give the impression that I support alternative definitions of marriage from the one that the Lord has given us.