Smooth Sailing with In-Laws

This week I had the opportunity to study further into what can help in-law relationships to go more smoothly, to help strengthen a couple or to potentially help break them apart. I admit that this topic was rather interesting for me because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen the different relationships that different married friends have with their respective in-laws and have wondered what were some of the things that contributed to the smooth sailing that some enjoy versus the turbulent waters that others are trying to navigate.

As part of my studies I read “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families”, an excerpt from Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”. During my reading, I decided that I want to be able to have a close relationship with my future in-laws and I want to take the necessary (healthy) steps in order to do so. The authors quoted Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a mean leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” This stresses the importance of the marriage bond becoming THE paramount relationship in the couple’s lives. But it also struck me that it doesn’t say that we are to stop having a relationship with our parents. My reasons for wanting a close relationship with my in-laws is actually quite simple. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we teach that families are eternal meaning that we will have ties to our parents, spouse, siblings, children, etc. for the rest of time and all eternity. Based on this belief, I will be entering into marriage knowing that through my husband I will be tied to his parents forever. Considering that eternity is a rather long time, I want to establish a healthy relationship with his parents so that is something I can take joy in rather than dread.

One thing that it said in the chapter that I really enjoyed was the importance of establishing a firm couple identity. Two have become one and that one must stand together in all familial situations because to allow one set of parents or the other to come between the husband and wife can often spell the beginnings of a path that frequently leads to divorce. When I get married, I want my husband and I to establish new traditions of our own that can lay the foundation for our new family for holidays and such. I want both sets of in-laws to know that we still value their input and love them, but that we are each other’s top priority and will not allow them to denigrate or attempt to devalue our spouse.

Family Council

In this week’s readings I was introduced to the book Counseling with our Councils, which was written by Elder M. Russell Ballard in 1997. In the book it talks about the importance of leading through councils and provides many examples of how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is led by councils at varying levels of leadership, ranging from the ward council at the local level all the way up to the council formed by the three members of the First Presidency. The more I thought about the topic the more I realized how beneficial such a council could be for couples and families, but there is something important that must first be taken into account. This is demonstrated in the following excerpt from Chapter Two:

It has been interesting for me to watch the Brethren work from an agenda that contains many items, and see them handle each item efficiently and effectively… They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during their conversations. During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom.

To help this seem more relevant to the councils that a family may have, I recommend that we change one word – kingdom to family.

They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during their conversations. During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the family.

            In a truly balanced council, each party has a voice and all are taken into consideration when making decisions. When a couple is having a couple council, they need to be careful that both voices are heard. I love how the Brethren work in the above quote. Each gives the other opportunity to voice their own viewpoint, uninterrupted. This is crucial for balance in the council. Some people may make the mistake of assuming that the husband’s voice should override all others because he is called to preside over his family but we are told in the scriptures (D&C 121:37) that the priesthood is not to be used to exercise dominion over the souls of the children of men. A husband and wife should make decisions together in unity, seeking the Lord’s guidance as needed. Elder Ballard specifically addresses the contribution that women can make to various councils, including the family, and emphasizes that much may be lost by excluding them from the conversation.