I was baptized on September 3rd 2013. It was quite literally the happiest day of my life thus far. I have been slow to write about it, because it was a very spiritually powerful occasion for me. Things were felt which I do not feel are acceptable for me to write down and share with others. But I would like to share some of the days events with you.
Below are edited excerpts from my journal about the day.
Today… today… today. Where to begin? I was worried that today was going to be difficult so I made plans ahead of time to stay safe. I arranged to spend most of the day working with my ward's Sisters. We spent most of the day together and at about 5 pm the Sisters left my place for a dinner appointment and I indicated that I would meet them at the chapel at 6 pm. I figured I could handle being alone for an hour.
Well as I was driving to the chapel, I started to freak out. My heart started racing, I was nauseous and felt like I was going to puke. I called my Sisters but got voice-mail. Then I called the companionship I worked with before my ward got Sisters and Sister Denning answered. I started crying when she answered the phone, but through my tears, I sobbed that I was freaking out, I was scared (even terrified), physically feeling unwell, and desperately wanting to turn around and go home. She and Sister Carlson encouraged me to keep going, reminding me how hard I had been working towards this. That there was nothing to be scared of and that this is what I had wanted so badly for so long. They had to go (reception at the chapel is horrible) and told me to text them as soon as I got to the chapel. I pulled into the parking lot a couple minutes later and immediately texted them. By this point I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. Moments later, they came out and talked to me as I sat in the car. I am so grateful for the Sisters. I was so scared and they help me calm my fears and collect myself. When I had calmed down, we went inside. They asked if I would be okay, and I said yes and went to change into the white baptismal jumpsuit while they went to practice the song they would sing during the service.
I changed into the jumpsuit and was calm for a bit. The sound of the running water filling the font, was making me a little nervous. The day was becoming more and more real. I was doing okay until I saw my Sisters, I started talking to them and began freaking out again. I just stood there crying into Sister Clark’s shoulder, telling them how scared I was and I didn't understand why I was feeling so scared. It was a very confusing experience for me. I was excited, nervous and afraid all at once. Sitting here a few hours later, I KNOW that fear was a last ditch attempt by the adversary to stop me from getting baptized.
My friends slowly filled the chapel. Then it was time to begin. I was kind of lurking in the hallway near the baptismal font. I appreciated the support of my friends, but at the same time was feeling kind of intimidated that so many people were there. We started to walk into the chapel (I literally kept Sister Toone and Clark by my side through almost the entire process) and I saw how many people were there and backpedaled. “I can’t do this!” I cried. “We’re here for you the whole way” said Sister Clark. I grabbed Sister Toone’s hand, took a deep breath and walked into the chapel. Everyone was smiling at me but I felt so nervous! I walked with the Sisters up to the front pew and we sat down right in front of the pulpit.
Brother Howe stood up and welcomed everyone to the service. Then Sister Carlson, Sister Denning, Sister Jensen and Sister Ross sang “I Stand All Amazed”. It was so beautiful! After the song, Sister Toone said the opening prayer and then my good friend Stan stood up and gave a talk. It was so moving. He literally was talking just to me, we had eye contact throughout his entire talk. I am so grateful for what was said. After Stan’s talk, Hermana Stevens, Hermana Fedrizzi and Kristina sang “Nearer My God to Thee” and I was moved to tears, my eyes wet. After the Hermanas sang, Bishop Downs gave a talk that touched me as well. The whole time the songs are being sung and the talks given, I’ve got Sister Toone’s left hand in my right. Every time my heart would start to race and I’d get nervous, I’d squeeze it and she’d squeeze back and that would help me calm back down, I knew I wasn't alone. At one point in his talk, Bishop Downs asked if I had turned around to see how many people had come out to support me (I knew the chapel was almost full) and I shook my head no, then leaned over and told Sister Toone, “If I turn around, I’m going to throw up”, I was so nervous!
After the second talk, Brother Howe got up to announce that we would then be witnessing my baptism. I hesitated and then walked out of the chapel, I smiled at Stan and then kept my eyes on the chapel door leading to the font. That brief glance at the crowd had set my heart to racing. Bishop was behind me momentarily, asking if I was ready. I took a deep breath, smiled and said yes before walking into the bathroom. Sister Toone and Sister Clark were right behind me as I entered the restroom adjoining the font. "Are you ready?" Another deep breath "Yes". I passed my towel to Sister Toone and gave them both hugs. Their support was priceless! We stepped through the door leading to the font and stood at the top of the stairs for a few moments (talking quietly about what was about to happen) as we waited for Bishop Hanson to come out on his side.
After a few moments, he stepped out and then went down the steps into the water. I took a deep breath and walked down the steps myself. I didn’t know what to do, so I followed his lead. He said the baptismal prayer and then leaned me back under the water. As I came up out of the water, he says, “I’m sorry, we have to do it again, you didn’t go far enough under.” “Seriously?!” “Yes” “Figures!” (I heard a few laughs at this exchange). So he said the prayer again and this time all was well. I went full under the water and came out feeling all shiny new! I turned and climbed the steps out of the font. Sister Toone was standing at the top holding my towel; she wrapped it around me and gave me a big hug. “You did it!” I broke out in a huge smile!
I walked into the changing room to change into this beautiful green dress I had bought a few days ago to celebrate my baptism... After I changed, Sister Denning did my makeup and Sister Clark touched up my hair. I felt so pure and beautiful, I think I was glowing!
We went back into the chapel for another musical number and my confirmation. Hermana Child and Hermana Isaak sang an arrangement Hermana Isaak wrote of “How Firm a Foundation” and another song I don’t know the name of, but it was so beautiful. They sang the last verse in Spanish and it brought tears to my eyes. Then was my confirmation!
I had asked my friend Stan (the most spiritual man I know) to perform my confirmation and had also asked a handful of my valiant priesthood holder friends to participate. As they laid their hands upon my head, I smiled. I had been waiting so long to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. After the confirmation was performed, a blessing was laid upon me.... In the middle of the blessing, I suddenly felt a warmth and it is with me still as I write this. I remember feeling the absence of the Holy Ghost and to feel it come back, it felt like welcoming home a long lost and much beloved friend.
After the confirmation we sang a closing hymn “God Be With You Til We Meet Again”. It was the perfect note to close the night on. Then Sister Clark said the closing prayer. It was beautiful! Last night was perfect! The musical numbers were amazing, the talks were awesome. Everything was great! Even getting double-dunked made sense. My whole repentance process required that little bit of extra effort to move forward, so a double-dunk was a fitting finale.
It has been such a long road, but so incredibly and eternally worth it. The heartbreaking lows are rapidly fading into dim
memories compared to the amazing light and joy I feel now. I am so grateful to be a
member of His church once more. In the next few weeks, I will be getting my limited-use recommend and going to the temple to do baptisms for the first time since I was 15 and I can, at long last, get my patriarchal blessing.
I bear my testimony that God loves us. Each and every one of us. He knows your struggles, your needs, your heartbreaks, your weaknesses, your triumphs, HE knows you! I am a living testimony of the power of the Atonement to change lives and hearts if you are but willing to apply its power in your life. Please don't be afraid if you are lost in the dark, there is a light waiting for you to grasp it. Reach out for the light and He will reach back. I know that this Gospel is true and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored to the earth. I know that we are led by a living prophet who is called of God, President Thomas S Monson. I know the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, same as the Bible (when it is translated correctly). I say these things in the name of my beloved Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen
