So I am sad to announce there will be no call for me. I met with my Stake President last week and he advised that the missionary department said that I cannot serve at this time.
The missionary dept said they feel now is not the time for me to serve because I would be missing the opportunity to get married. But I have zero prospects on the horizon, I'm not even dating currently b/c almost all the LDS guys around me are way younger! I know that I should be preparing for marriage, but that takes two and my companion is nowhere to be found.
I've wanted to get married and have a family since I was a teen. The older I get, the stronger that longing gets, but so much time has passed that I am beginning to lose hope. Now to have something I have worked so hard for, taken away and to be told to continue to prepare for the thing I have already waited 16 years for... I was mad at God and so sad to lose something I wanted so badly.
Thursday is my designated temple night and last week I missed it, not really wanting to go. Friday I told myself that I couldn't miss a week but still had to drag myself to the temple. I went and did family initiatories in the 6 pm session and after I finished, I went to the Celestial Room and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I told Him how mad I was that I couldn't go and that I did not understand why He has denied me this, when it was He who bade me seek it. I asked Him why He said no and had I done something wrong?! I sat there quietly but no answer was forthcoming so I left to change and go home.
But as I stepped into the stall to change, I felt that I should stay. I didn't want to, I was tired, it would be my first time going through a Spanish session and I struggle to comprehend Spanish when tired but I heeded the prompting, took a family file card out of my folder and got in line for the session. As I sat in the session, I came to understand why I was told to stay. But as I sat and listened to the session that night, the longer I sat in that session, the more I felt
the stress, anxiety and other negative emotions drain out of me. By the
time we finished and I walked into the Celestial Room, I just felt so
calm and at peace. I could feel His love and
knew that He understood the emotional turmoil I felt around the new
direction He was asking me to take. He calmed His child and I knew then,
as I know now, that it will all work out. I still don’t understand why
my life is taking the path it is now, but I
trust my Heavenly Father and know that He has a plan for me. I left the temple feeling so calm and
peaceful, but still sad about the opportunity that had been lost.
Then today I realized something. I was kind of daydreaming and I saw my future. I saw myself talking to my own daughter, consoling her as she mourned the loss of her own mission (she having also received a "No.") I heard myself telling her how grateful I was that I had not been able to serve a mission because if I had, I would not have met her father. I realized that I am already being an example to my future daughter now. How I handle this will help me help her (or perhaps her brother) in my future but how it can help depends on how I react.
I realized that I wanted to be able to tell her that yes, I had struggled to accept His answer at first but that then I realized that He sees the big picture and the best picture for me. That I had accepted the change of paths and that I chose to turn willingly to the new path He set before me and begin marching down it.
So with that in mind, I have begun preparing for the next step. I feel that I am not going to get married while I am in Alabama and I know that I need to go back to school. So I tonight I began researching scholarships available to older students returning to college and started finding out what I need to do to apply to UVU and BYU-I. Let the next chapter of my story begin!
I also just want to thank those of you who have helped me as I struggled to accept this. I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in Christ!
